Oh, You think such a shocking Book title and than you read the first paragraph of the book and here we are:
"IT’S STRANGE HOW WE ALWAYS give big news to loved ones in a coma, as if a coma is just a thing that happens from a lack of something to be excited about in your life."
“Mom,” Together leans over and whispers into Mom’s ear, “I’m gonna move back to California soon.”
We all perk up, excited to see if Mom might suddenly jolt awake. Nothing. Then Smart steps forward. “Mama. Uh, Mama, Kate and I are getting married.”
Again, we all perk up. Still nothing.
Sensitive steps forward. “Mommy…” I’m not listening to what Sensitive says to try and get Mom to wake up because I’m too busy working on my own wake-up material.
And now it’s my turn. I wait until everyone else goes down to grab some food so that I can be alone with her. I pull the squeaky chair close to her bed and sit down. I smile. I’m about to bring the big guns. Forget weddings, forget moving home. I’ve got something more important to offer. Something I’m sure Mom cares about more than anything.
“Mommy. I am… so skinny right now. I’m finally down to eighty-nine pounds.”
I’m in the ICU with my dying mother and the thing that I’m sure will get her to wake up is the fact that in the days since Mom’s been hospitalized, my fear and sadness have morphed into the perfect anorexia-motivation cocktail and, finally, I have achieved Mom’s current goal weight for me. Eighty-nine pounds. I’m so sure this fact will work that I lean all the way back in my chair and pompously cross my legs. I wait for her to come to. And wait. And wait. But she never does. She never comes to. I can’t make sense of it. If my weight isn’t enough to get Mom to wake up, then nothing will be. And if nothing can wake her up, then that means she’s really going to die. And if she’s really going to die, what am I supposed to do with myself? My life purpose has always been to make Mom happy, to be who she wants me to be. So without Mom, who am I supposed to be now?"
But before that we all have time in our life when things happening around us is Normal, Love, Caring.. Or even worse we think that we deserve it. I remember in my late twenties one of my colleagues (that time I was a teacher and was working in a private school) asked me if I was bullied at school and my answer was simple: Yeah, I was, but I didn't know that it was bulling. And mostly this happens with toxic situations, we don't know that it's unbearable, until we leave it.
Grandpa: “I just…” He steps closer to me. “I just think… you deserve to be a kid.”
The weird thing is that Author's mother didn't want her to grow up (maybe for narcissistic mothers that's frightening, cause they fear that if children grow up, mothers will not be able to control them..), but at the same time she never let her be a child.
The author remembers her early childhood and writes:
Age 2:
"she can’t believe I wouldn’t stop singing “Jingle Bells” at the top of my lungs when the mood was clearly so sad. She can’t believe how I didn’t get that. How could I possibly be so upbeat when my surroundings were so obviously heavy? I was two.
Age is no excuse. I feel tremendous guilt every time we rewatch the home video. How could I not have known better? What a stupid idiot. How could I have not sensed what Mom needed? That she needed all of us to be serious, to be taking the situation as hard as we possibly could, to be devastated. She needed us to be nothing without her."
Age 6:
"Finally, the “Happy Birthday” song’s over. The time has come. My big moment. I shut my eyes and take a deep breath in while I make my wish in my head.
I wish that Mom will stay alive another year."
To be honest I've googled narcissistic mothers' behaviours and understood that author's mother was one of such mother:
Prioritizing their needs and desires:
“I want to give you the life I never had, Net. I want to give you the life I deserved. The life my parents wouldn’t let me have.” - she never asked her daughter about her dreams or desires, not even a simple question: what do you want?
“Well, is there anything I could do to stop the boobies from coming in?” I ask Mom nervously
“Well, sweetheart, if you really want to know how to stay small, there’s this secret thing you can do… it’s called calorie restriction.”- she also didn't think about not only her daughter mental health, but also she made her anorexic, cause it was necessary for her dreams to come true.
Guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation
" It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make for you, Net. ’Cuz I’m not like my parents. I want what’s best for you. Always. You know that, right?”
"YOU caused my cancer to come back. I hope you’re happy knowing this. YOU have to live with this fact. YOU gave me cancer."
She Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries
"Mom still showers me. She doesn’t mean to make me uncomfortable, I don’t think. She says she has to shower me because I wouldn’t know how to shampoo and condition my own hair."
"I can’t let Mom know I’m into purple, since Mom prefers pink. She would be heartbroken if I suddenly announce that I’ve switched my favorite color to one that isn’t also hers. It is an honor that Mom cares about me so much that something like me having my own favorite color would devastate her. True love"
and here begins the worst part if you ask me, we are mistaken, we think something really shitty is a true love and then the shit show begins... Let's just see some of the effects of growing up with a narcissistic mother:
Poor emotional intelligence: Narcissistic mothers often tell their children how they should feel. They also may try to convince their children that what they think they are feeling is not their true feelings.
Self-blaming: Narcissistic mothers never accept blame or responsibility for their failures and place blame on their children. Children grow up believing anything that goes wrong is their fault, even when that is irrefutably untrue.
Inability to set and maintain boundaries: The lack of boundaries narcissistic mothers have with their children and their view of children as extensions of themselves do not allow children to develop healthy emotional boundaries.
Developing an insecure attachment: Due to the frequent highs and lows of their narcissistic mothers and the love-hate nature of a narcissistic mother’s affection, children cannot form secure attachments with them. A mother who does not provide stability and consistency with her love damages a child.
Being highly attuned to others’ emotions: Children of narcissistic mothers learn to placate their mother’s needs, often resulting in high emotional awareness. By “reading the room,” they can avoid upsetting others and limit the risk of provoking another’s anger.
Feeling the need to cater to others: Narcissistic mothers will always prioritize their own needs and expect their children to do the same. Thus, children of narcissists grow up believing that it is their role in life to cater to others’ needs before meeting their own.
Sometimes Anger is a good thing. We need to get angry, but are we allowed? It is a question the person with low self-esteem asks to herself and obviously people who had narcissistic clos person in their life most likely has a low self-esteem:
"My anxiety causes me to be a people pleaser. My anxiety causes me to take the picture and sign my autograph and say it’s a good one. But underneath that anxiety is a deep, unearthed combination of feelings that I fear to face. I fear that I’m bitter. I’m too young to be bitter. Especially as a result of a life that people supposedly envy. And I fear that I resent my mother. The person I have lived for. My idol. My role model. My one true love. This complicated feeling crops up when I take a picture with a stranger and I see Mom standing o to the side, mirroring the smile she wants me to have. It happens when she tells the person taking the picture to “Get one more! Or two more, just in case!” when she knows how much I dislike this whole thing."
Believe me, as a reader, you'll get angry too, but the question you ask is:
where is another parent during such abuse? where is the father?
Well, the old story: physically or emotionally absent father:
"He gave me a birthday card, which he had never done before. He spelled my name wrong on the envelope. People spell my name wrong all the time, and I usually don’t think much of it, but that time it made me sad. I opened the card to see what he wrote inside. That’s the more important part anyway. “Love, Dad” was all he wrote underneath the poem in the card. I was even more sad, but it’s the thought that counts, and the fact that he had the thought meant something to me. Until on our way home I heard Mom say, “Did you get her a birthday card like I told you to? You should be nurturing a relationship with her, like a FATHER does.” So it was really Mom’s thought all along."
When we talk about Trauma or Abuse, the most unfair thing is that we have to deal with it's results all alone, we have to figure out that we were abused, understand that we need help, then we have to find a good therapist or even a doctor, we shouldn't like being victims in general, we have to open old wounds and begin to heal, all alone. Yes, we have people around us (friends, lovers, family members..), but most of the work must be done by us, which is unfair because we are not one who brought this trauma, we are not responsible, but..
For example the author had to deal with BULIMIA:
"The truth is that I wish I had anorexia, not bulimia. I’m pining for anorexia. I’ve grown humiliated by bulimia, which I used to think of as the best of both worlds—eat what you want, throw it all up, stay thin. But now it doesn’t feel like the best of both worlds. It feels terrible."
As I mentioned above one of the steps towards healing is understanding that we need help and as the practice shows it is not the easy one, sometimes we need someone to push us towards a healing journey and if they do, believe me, it means that they deeply care about us.
Yeah, the beginning is hard, but carrying on is not easy too. Sometimes therapy feels like opening and reopening the wound we desire to forget forever, we want them to disappear magically, but let's not forget, that we are not the characters of a fantasy book, love:
"The first three weeks of my program with Laura (therapist) were all about gauging exactly where I’m at by collecting info. And so far, I don’t like the info we’ve collected."
Do we really want to know? maybe we don't want to, but we Need to know.
“Jennette, what you’re describing is… really unhealthy. Your mother essentially condoned your anorexia, encouraged it. She… taught it to you. That’s abuse.”
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, LAURA. I can’t take this anymore. I get one day of not throwing up under my belt and now we’re trying to dethrone my mother and demolish the narrative of her that I’ve clung to my entire life?"
We shouldn't be perfect during our healing process, we sometimes can go to old habits, thought or even behaviours, but it doesn't mean that we are failing, it means that we are human beings and as the author's new therapist Jeff suggests we shouldn't let Slips Become Slides.
In the end, I want to say that even tough it is not the best book I've ever read, it was really brave and a kind step from the author to write this book and share a dreadful life experience with reader. for some people it can be really helpful to understand that they are not alone, that such behaviour is an abuse and that they shouldn't feel guilty if the want to leave toxic people behind.
If you are interested, here is the link where you can read this book:
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