"We try so hard to make love stay put, to make it stay the way it is or the way we want it to be. This is like expecting a rose to always be in full bloom, with no phases of budding or fading. Nature’s style, by contrast, is simply to stay through changes and trust in rebirth. Our human goal is much the same: to stay with love in all its vicissitudes, from bud to bloom to barrenness and then back to bud." "The rose of relationship grows petals in romance, thorns in conflict, and roots in commitment."
"It is comforting to know that relationships go through stages." "When we try to hold on and endure, the relationship changes and leaves us behind. When we accept and work through changes, we evolve along with the relationship. Our goal, then, is to enjoy changes and grow because of them, to use them as a crucible for personal transformation. Not working through changes together makes the relationship a cauldron instead of a crucible."
Rising in Love
" Romance is one of the high points of a human life. It is a deeply moving experience of joy, to be cherished and appreciated with gusto. The reason for the joy is simple: the five A’s are flowing in both directions." " The trick is to enjoy it as Ulysses enjoyed the sirens’ song, with full pleasure yet safely. We want to be thrilled but not wrecked as we sail into it. This means enjoying romance as a full and uninhibited participant but also as an amused and sober witness. We fall, notice how we are falling, and catch ourselves all at the same time"
"Romance is real but temporary. We are in love but only with a projection of ourselves, not with a true other. It is not yet an I-thou relationship, only an I-mine relationship. The shadow side of the other has not yet appeared at this point. We see only the mirror side; the ego has found its ego ideal. As psychiatrist Irvin Yalom says, “In romance you see the reflection of your own beseeching gaze."
"There are two ways to approach romance. I can meet you in love while we both remain standing or I can fall for you. To fall is to get hurt or to be in danger. Falling in love sounds like falling into quicksand. The Romance languages do not say it this way; English does. We also say fall into a coma, fall from grace, and the market falls. To speak of falling in love implies powerlessness, permission to go out of control, to be foolish, to become the slave of emotions, to be carried away as if no longer in possession of one’s faculties. Love is a conscious tie not a bewitching trance."
"Yet real love does not happen by accident. Neither are we its passive victims. It requires a choice in response to an attraction." "Attraction simply happens, but love is a process that requires our participation, a unique way of fulfilling ourselves through giving and receiving at the same time. It is a form of rebirth."
"In romance, we think: “... Now that I have found it, I never want to let it go, and I believe I will never have to because of how powerfully I feel it flourishing between us. It feels so strong it must be real and will never change.” Actually, the heart of the illusion is contained in this last statement: strong does not mean changeless, only emphatic."
"Romance is an exuberant and valuable experience to the extent that we can enjoy it without becoming addicted to it. Romance is the best way to begin a relationship and is a bridge to a more mature commitment. But we should not be surprised that it does not last. It is a phase that builds a bond, but it is not a mature bond in itself. Nature designed romance to bring couples together to mate, to propagate the species, and to support one another. In this phase the sexual energy is high, and so is the adrenaline. However, continued high adrenaline levels lower our immune response and eventually undermine our health. Thus, in the best interests of our health, romance lasts only as long as is needed for sex and procreation to occur."
"We can also feel the excitement of romance without deluding ourselves or setting ourselves up for disappointment. How do we tell the difference? Healthy relationships lead to interdependence and unhealthy ones to dependence or domination. The electricity of the false lead takes the form of a shock. The electricity of the true lead is a steady current. A shock leaves us depleted. A current keeps moving through us."
When Romance Is Addictive
"On first glance, relationship addiction looks exactly like the romance phase of any relationship. The difference is that romance is phaseappropriate, whereas addiction defies flux and attaches itself to the crest of excitement and drama. Romance moves on; addiction halts and paralyzes us."
"Addiction also feels exactly like unconditional love: “No matter how she betrays me, I still love her even after all these years.”(“All these years” is a clue that there has been an interruption of the natural cycle.) But in addiction we are hooked rather than bonded. Remember Wuthering Heights? It is thought of as a great love story, but it is really a great addiction story. Kathy cannot let go of Heathcliff though he hurts her so often; Heathcliff cannot let go of Kathy, and yet neither can he stay with her."
" The object of our addiction becomes our higher power: We have turned our will and life over to a partner. Such reverent focus on one person and his story and/or on how to fix him can occupy our mind for years. All the time that could have gone into a spiritual practice or engaging in creative pursuits or dancing freely is instead absorbed by the great fixation."
"In healthy relating, we connect but do not attach."
What Love Feels Like
"Every [adult] relationship recreates the original relationship. The discovery of love is a re-discovery."
SIGMUND FREUD
"Love can be confused with clinging that is welcomed by the other, sexual desire that is satisfied by the other, or neediness that is fulfilled by the other. Love can even be confused with dependence, surrender, conquest, submission, dominance, gratification, fascination, pain, or addiction. I may feel that I love you because you love me, or will not leave me, or will not let me feel lonely, or will not make me feel anything. I may feel I love you and say it with passion when I am mostly reacting to the way my own needs are being met through you. I may say “I love you” and simply mean “I am attached to you and it feels good.”
"In real love, I feel and show an unconditional regard for you, and I love you even in the times when you do not fulfill me. My love can survive the periods when you have nothing to give. Such love reflects not my own neediness or expectations but a commitment to a path of giving and receiving."
"When our demands for love become compulsive or insatiable, we have a clue that we doubt our own lovability. For when we doubt that we are lovable, we often need to see it proved over and over. This seems narcissistic on our part, but viewed from a more compassionate perspective, it may suggest that we have a low opinion of ourselves. Indeed, the need to be seen as special can be a compensation for feeling unloved."
"How can we overcome our self-doubt? Through a simple practice: act lovingly. Lovability is actually the other side of the coin of loving. People who believe they are lovable are people who love."
Practices
SIMPLY NOTICING WHERE I AM • In commitment two healthy egos relate. Three stages ( Attachment, Detachment and Integration) characterize most human enterprises.
To be fixated in the attachment phase makes for regression, clinging, or addiction. Am I there? To be fixated in the detachment phase makes for problems with authority and distancing. Am I there? To move from phase to phase makes for serenity and opens us to concern for the wider world. This is how healthy relationships heal the world. I choose to be here.
COMPARING ROMANCE AND ADDICTION
Romance Addiction
A phase Ongoing
Need fulfillment with a sense of contentment Neediness felt as a bottomless pit
Desire for contact Desperation for contact
Proportional More is given as less is received
Usually egalitarian Often hierarchical
Reciprocal One-sided
Has a future Has no future
Feelings of satisfaction and joy Feelings of not being able to get enough
Secure Always in doubt
Anticipation for the next meeting Painful or intolerable absences
Increases self-esteem Lowers self-esteem
Loose boundaries No boundaries
Both partners relating to each other One partner being possessed by the other
Begins the challenging journey to love Becomes a vicious cycle of pain
UNCOVERING DENIAL-Recovery from a one-sided addiction can begin with freeing ourselves from denial: “I don’t want to know what you are unable to tell me. I cannot see that what I want is not what you offer. I am not really looking at you at all but at my own neediness.”
DISCOVERING WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR • Answer these questions silently as you read them: Do I have the empowering adult agenda of finding someone who grants me the five A’s? Or do I have a disempowering agenda in which I seek someone to take care of me or be taken care of by me, to do things for me or for whom I can do things, to give me things or to whom I can give things, to control me or to be controlled by me, to flatter me or even to hurt me?
If you are interested in this book, you can email me (kh.nebulishvili@gmail.com) and I'll send the PDF version of this book :)
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