"If the partners in a relationship are mainly concerned with proving themselves right, then ego rules the relationship. If they are concerned with how to make the relationship work, then cooperative love rules. Ego, which means “I,” is the main obstacle to intimacy, which implies “we.” In reality, there is no solid, separate self. We are all interconnected and contingent upon one another."
"Ego is the conventional word for the center of our conscious rational life. The ego is functional when it helps us fulfill our goals in life. It is this healthy ego that lets us be fair and alert witnesses without the interference of meddling mindsets." "The healthy ego is the part of us that has come to terms with all the givens of human behavior, however unappealing, and still is able to love."
"Our ego (the center of our conscious rational life) is functional when it helps us reach our goals. It is dysfunctional—or neurotic—when it distracts us from our goals or sabotages our attempts to reach them. Behind every neurosis is a cunning fear that has never been addressed or resolved. Indeed, neurotic means useless repetition of an archaic and unnecessary way of protecting ourselves from such a fear."
Anatomy of the Arrogant Ego
"Ego appears in statements like “I’m right,” “My way is the right way; I’m perfect,” “There is no need for me to change.” We fear changing because it may mean admitting we were wrong or grieving a loss (of something that we valued in ourselves or of a sense of safety)."
" The arrogant ego fights intimate love because we keep trying not to lose face. This F.A.C.E. of the inflated ego is Fear, Attachment, Control, and Entitlement —the most vicious enemies of intimacy. The self-centeredness of entitlement keeps us from giving anyone our attention and appreciation. We cannot give someone our acceptance and allowing when control takes precedence over equality or when we get too attached to our own version of reality. We cannot easily show authentic affection when we are driven by fear."
"Unconditional love is love without the conditions—the F.A.C.E.—of ego. Such love is free of fear. When we love unconditionally, attachment turns into healthy, committed, intelligent bonding."
" What is the difference between ego entitlement and a legitimate sense of one’s rights? Entitlement is an expectation, an attachment, a demand—the familiar ego manifestations and mindsets that cause suffering and are the opposite of mindfulness. If such an expectation is not met, we feel justified in retaliating. Retaliation is not justice. It is meanspirited comfort to an indignant ego and despair of human change and of the power of grace. In contrast, we ask for our rights legitimately when we do it directly and nonviolently, fighting fairly but not inflicting reprisals if we are denied."
Anatomy of the Impoverished Ego
The following attitudes characterize the impoverished ego:
Victim. “I do not control my life. I am a victim of people and circumstances. Everything that happens to me is someone else’s doing (or fault). I am powerless to change anything.” Behind this attitude lies the fear of being held accountable as an adult. Self-pity and belief in oneself as a victim can also be forms of despair, falling prey to the illusion that there is no alternative to one’s painful predicament.
Follower. “Everyone knows what to do but me. I have to follow others. Tell me what to do and believe, and I will do it and believe it.” Behind this attitude lies the fear of taking charge of one’s life or of making a mistake.
Self-blamer. “I am always wrong or bad. I blame myself for everything bad that happens. I am ashamed of myself and guilt-ridden.” Behind this attitude lies the fear of responsibility.
Unworthy. “I deserve nothing, not abundance, not love, not respect.” Behind this attitude lies the fear of receiving.
Unimportant. “No one cares about me. I do not matter. I make no difference.” Behind this attitude lies the fear of being loved, the fear of the five A’s (which can be seen as lying behind every self-diminishment.
"To transform the impoverished ego requires the building of self-esteem, assertiveness, and cooperative skills. The challenge is always how to stand assertively and still stay connected. It is the psychological work of becoming an adult and a necessary precursor to intimacy."
"The arrogant ego and the impoverished ego are actually two sides of one coin. Indeed, the neurotic ego has been called the “King Baby.” Like a king the arrogant ego believes it has a divine right (entitlement) to be in full control, to be loved and respected by everyone, and to have first or center place in everything. Like a baby the impoverished ego looks helpless, and yet it has the power to mobilize people around its needs. After all, a baby is the center of attention. A baby controls others’ behavior. A baby is entitled to special treatment. Moral (and psychological) adulthood means deposing the royal ego and letting the infantile ego grow up. Self-inflation and self-deflation are the neurotic edges of ego. The healthy ego, like virtue, is in the center between them."
TRANSFORMING THE IMPOVERISHED EGO
"The victim changes by acknowledging his own power. The follower changes by making independent decisions. The self-blamer changes by taking responsibility. The unworthy person and the “unimportant” person both change by learning to appreciate themselves and to accept appreciation from others."
"Changing involves acting as if the opposite of our thoughts and posturings were true. With practice, gradually our attitudes alter to fit the new behavior. Plan ways to do this work if you are a victim, follower, or self-blamer, or if you feel unworthy or unimportant. To reverse the victim position, take responsibility for your choices and look for ways to make the best of what you did not choose but cannot change. To step out of the follower role, take the initiative in speaking up in any circumstance or relationship that is presently disturbing you. To cease blaming yourself, acknowledge accountability for your behavior while also having an appreciation of how you acted in accord with the light you had at the time."
Saying Yes to the Things We Cannot Change
"To free ourselves from our neurotic ego is ultimately to accept the conditions of existence and to see ourselves not as victims or opponents of the givens of reality, but as adults who face up to them honestly. These givens include the following: things change and end; life is not always fair; we pay for growth with suffering; things do not always go according to plan; people are not always loyal or loving. Accepting the conditions of existence means first of all admitting our vulnerability to them. To let go of the entitlement to an exemption is thus to be ready for love."
Jung suggests we say an unconditional yes to the givens of existence without protest or blame. In so doing we find the best of religion and depth psychology. For instance, we learn the following:
• Everything changes and ends—yet can be renewed. This knowledge is our entry into the archetype of resurrection.
• Suffering is part of growth—yet we keep finding ways to bring good from evil. This opens the archetype of redemption.
• Things do not always go according to plan—yet we can find the equanimity to say yes to what is and thanks for what has been. This opens the archetype of synchronicity and of a divine plan that makes our destiny larger than we ever imagined.
• Life is not always fair—yet we can be fair and even generous. This gives us a sense of justice and strengthens our commitment to fight for it, in keeping with the archetypes of karma and of atonement and forgiveness.
• People are not loving and loyal all the time—yet we do not have to retaliate but can act with love and loyalty while never giving up on others. This opens the archetype of unconditional love.
Practices
GOING BEYOND EITHER/OR - "Our ego is so uncomfortable with uncertainty that it insists on seeing things in terms of black and white, win or lose. When we simply hold in our hearts and minds the opposites that face us, when we let them coexist in us without choosing one over the other, we befriend the ambiguity of our predicament.
when we let go of control, the either/or of “I have to be in charge, or everything will fall apart” changes to “I let the chips fall where they may.” This liberates us by changing our fear of spontaneity to a welcoming of fear and of whatever may happen beyond our control. "
BECOMING NONVIOLENT - "Assertiveness, like any perfect act, “leaves no wake,” as the Zen saying tells us. Ego, by contrast, leaves a grudge behind and creates a feud."
TRANSFORMING THE NEED TO BE RIGHT -"The need to be right comes from our fear of loss of approval. “If I’m wrong,” we think, “I lose my identity and thus my approvability.” Our need to be right may take the form of an inability to accept criticism, which we usually equate with insult.
To be an adult means expending the effort to become conscious of how much ego underlies our behavior, thoughts, and motivation. “My way is the right way” can be transformed into “I negotiate so that both of us win. I look for what is true and build on it.” Opening ourselves to others’ winning also leads to and creates safety in the very closeness we feared."
TRANSFORMING SELF-JUSTIFICATION - "Affirm: I allow others their opinions of me with no attempt to correct their impressions or make myself look good. This includes naming the reality of events without blame. (“She left me” replaces “She was wrong and unfair to leave me.”)
FREEING OURSELVES FROM EGO ENTITLEMENT - "Answer the questions in this section silently. Do you believe “I am entitled to have things go my way; to be told the truth; to be loved, cared about, and appreciated by everyone; to have promises made to me and then kept; and to be given special treatment or special consideration in everything I do”? Behind these beliefs are the rationalizations “Promises should be kept,” “I am special,” “It can’t happen to me,” and “How dare they!” Such beliefs may mask the fear of deprivation: “I won’t get enough,” “I won’t get what’s rightfully mine,” “I won’t survive as an individual person if I have to be like everyone else.” To think this way is to ignore a condition of existence: Things are not always fair or equal."
DROPPING PRETENSE - "Self-centeredness can be transformed to healthy self- appreciation and self-love, including a healthy desire to let everything we do or say reveal us authentically. We may feel “If they really knew me, they would not like me.” Actually, this feeling is based not on what they find out about us but how. People dislike us for what they uncover not about us but about what we hide. Indeed, they like and respect us for our disarming admissions about our limits and inadequacies.
The healthy adult moves from pose to poise. He wants to be ex-posed so that he can act freely with no further need to invent or protect a self-created image."
"When I see I am nothing, that is wisdom. When I see I am everything, that
is love. My life is a movement between these two."
—NISARGADATTA MAHARAJ
If you are interested in this book, you can email me (kh.nebulishvili@gmail.com) and I'll send the PDF version of this book :)
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