In the beginning of the book psychotherapist David Richo reminds us (obviously if someone is so lucky that that they forgot painful truth) that only love can't bring us happiness or make a relationship work (quite a pessimistic beginning, yeah?!:)), but he also gives us hope: "Practice can make us nimble enough to dance together with grace, however bashful we may be at the beginning" (here I would also add desire, cause you should want to have a healthy and happy relationship, it's not an easy task, especially without a desire).
He writes about “five A’s”: "Love is experienced differently by each of us, but for most of us five aspects of love stand out. We feel loved when we receive attention, acceptance, appreciation, and affection, and when we are allowed the freedom to live in accord with our own deepest needs and wishes." he says that if we are lucky enough to have these Five A's in our childhood there is big possibility that we would be able to develop self-esteem and a healthy ego.
"This book discusses each of the five A’s and how they apply to childhood, relationships, and spiritual maturity. It also suggests practices that can help you in resolving childhood issues, in creating happier relationships, and in becoming more spiritually conscious and compassionate. Indeed, the practices are stirred by a spiritual ambition with higher stakes: a more loving you, with the world as your beneficiary."
"We are born with a capacity to dance together but not with the necessary training. We have to learn the dance steps and practice until we move with ease and grace. The joy in it requires work. Some of us have been damaged physically or in our self-confidence, and we will have to practice dancing more than others. Some of us have been so damaged we may never be able to dance well at all. Some of us were taught it was a sin to dance.
It is exactly the same in relationships. Our early experience forms or deforms our adult relationships. As children, some of us were so injured or disabled psychologically—by neglect, inhibition, or abuse—that it may take us years of work and practice before we can dance a graceful adult commitment. Some of us were so abused that we feel compelled to abuse others in revenge. Some of us were so damaged in the past that we may never be able to relate in an adult way."
"We have heard people being labeled as “codependent” when they cannot leave a painful relationship that has no future. Yet our sense of self is radically embedded in our negotiations with original family members. If a relationship reconfigures an original bond with our father or mother, leaving it may pose a terrifying threat to our inner security. Then all prospects of change—even for the better—represent a threat."
"We are challenged to be compassionate toward ourselves for the time it takes to make changes. Taking our time does not have to mean we are cowardly or codependent, only that we are sensitive to pressures and meanings from regions of our psyche still in the grip of an old regime."
“Now I don’t have to need quite so much. Now I don’t have to blame my parents quite so much. Now I can receive love without craving more and more. I can have and be enough.” Only the person whose journey has progressed to that point can love someone intimately."
"The healthy Ego—what Freud called “a coherent organization of mental processes”—is the part of us that can observe self, situations, and persons; assess them; and respond in such a way as to move toward our goals. We do not let go of this aspect of ego but build on it. It assists us in relationships by making us responsible and sensible in our choices and commitments. The neurotic ego, on the other hand, is the part of us that is compulsively driven or stymied by fear or desire, feeding arrogance, entitlement, attachment, and the need to control other people. Sometimes it is self-negating and makes us feel we are victims of others. This neurotic ego is the one we are meant to dismantle as our spiritual task in life. Its tyrannies frighten intimacy away and menace our self-esteem."
"To let go of ego is to let go of taking things personally."
"Mindfulness leads us to let go of ego by letting go of fear and grasping, it is an apt tool for healthy relating. It makes us present to others purely, without the buffers of the neurotic ego. We simply stay with someone as he is, noticing not judging. We take what a partner does as information without having to censure or blame. In doing this, we put space around an event rather than crowding it with our own beliefs, fears, and judgments. Such mindful presence frees us from constricting identification with another’s actions. A healthy relationship is one in which there are more and more such spacious moments."
"Mindfulness is a path to giving others the five A’s, the essential components of love, respect, and support. The word mindfulness is a translation of Sanskrit words meaning “attend” and “stay.” Thus, we pay attention and we stay with someone in her feelings and in her here-and-now predicament."
"If our emotional needs were fulfilled by our parents, we emerge from childhood with a trust that others can give us what we need. We can then receive love from others without distress or compulsion. Our needs are moderate. We can trust someone to help fulfill our needs while we help fulfill hers. This provides a foundation for a life of compassion and equanimity. "
"Mothers play the primary role in our growth. In the first phase of development, a mother is the container: She provides the holding environment in which we learn and feel the safety it takes to start to become ourselves. But eventually we need to separate from our mothers to establish an identity. Thus, the first stage of development confronts us with a paradox: The safety it requires is meant to help us go! If a mother’s embrace is too seductive or too tight, we might not be able to separate from her. If we heard and heeded the words “Don’t go!” we might eventually turn them into “I can’t go,” so that later, in an abusive adult relationship, we stay where it hurts."
"The goal of the work of becoming an adult is, after all, not to reunite with Mother but to find in ourselves and others as much as we can find of what she was meant to provide: the five A’s."
"The archetypal heroic journey is an extended metaphor for human development, since it takes the hero through the same three phases: leaving the comforts of the familiar, finding a separate identity away from home, and returning home renewed and interdependent. Returning home is a metaphor for the integration in oneself of psychological and spiritual powers."
"parent, partner, and teacher point us toward our own inner parent, inner partner, and inner guru."
"Can fathers provide the container for the holding and separating experience so crucial to growth? It seems unlikely. Their role is to protect us from being contained too long! Women can provide a safe place for us to express our feelings and make our unique choices. Men can show us a safe exit into the larger world. And if fathers are sometimes so demanding that they undermine a developing child’s freedom to be himself, this is where grandfathers can step in to give male nurturance mindfully, without expectation or demand."
"The original emotional needs of life were fulfilled in the holding environments of the womb, our nursing mother’s arms, the warmth of our home, and parental protection, which are the requisite loci of serene development. In such a safe and embracing environment, children feel they are living in a folder of security that is also roomy enough for them to express feelings freely. They feel their parents can handle their feelings and mirror them back with acceptant love—in short, that there is room for their true self at the inn."
"When we did not receive fulfillment in one or more of the five A’s, a bottomless pit was created in us, an unfulfillable yearning for the missing pieces of our puzzling and arid past. Mourning an unfulfilled childhood is painful. We fear grief because we know we will not be able to control its intensity, its duration, or its range, and so we look for ways around it. But engaging with our grief is a form of self-nurturance and liberation from neediness. Paradoxically, to enter our wounded feelings fully places us on the path to healthy intimacy."
"Is this my problem? Have I been afraid to grieve what I did not get from Mom and Dad and so have demanded it from partners, strangers, and innocent bystanders? Am I unable to find it in myself because I have been investing all my energy in looking for it in someone else?'
"To retrieve the past and to undo the past are our paradoxical goals in relationships. No wonder they are so complex! Their complexity is not about the transactions between two adults but the fact that such transactions never begin: instead, two children are tugging at each other’s sleeve, shouting in unison, “Look what happened to me when I was a kid! Make it stop, and make it better for me!” In effect, we are asking an innocent bystander to repair a problem he has no knowledge of and little skill to repair. And all the time and energy that goes into that transaction distracts us from the first part of our work: repairing our own lives.'
Even if our childhood needs were met, we may need to work on ourselves as adults. Nurturant parents make sure our childhood environment is safe and soothing, and as adults, we may keep looking for the people or things that can recreate that miracle. The recurrent fantasy of, or search for, the “perfect partner” is a strong signal from our psyche that we have work to do on ourselves. For a healthy adult, there is no such thing as a perfect partner except temporarily or momentarily. No one source of happiness exists, nor can a partner make life perfect. (The fact that this happens in fairy tales says it all.) A relationship cannot be expected to fulfill all our needs; it only shows them to us and makes a modest contribution to their fulfillment. We ask: Could it be that I would not have learned what I needed to learn if I had met the perfect partner?
The perfect partner is the mirage we see after crossing the desert of insufficient love. Mirages happen because we lack water—that is, we lack something we have needed for a long time. They are normal, nothing to be ashamed of. We should notice them, take them as information about where our work lies, and then let them go. If we do this, we will come to the real oasis, nature’s gift to those who keep going, who were not stopped by the mirage.
"Because we are dialogical beings, our self-esteem emerges from contact with others who provide us with the five A’s. The five A’s are not extras. They are the components of the healthy, individuated ego: Attention from others leads to self-respect. Acceptance engenders a sense of being inherently a good person. Appreciation generates a sense of self-worth. Affection makes us feel lovable. Allowing gives us the freedom to pursue our own deepest needs, values, and wishes."
ATTENTION
It is a joy to be hidden but a disaster not to be found.
—D. W. WINNICOTT
"Attention to you means engaged focus on you. It means sensitivity to your needs and feelings."
"Attention means bringing something or someone into focus so it is no longer blurred by the projections of your own ego; thus it requires genuine interest and curiosity about the mysterious and surprising truth that is you."
"If we missed out on attention when we were children, we might have learned to attend to ourselves, to become more and more creative, to look for attention from adults other than our parents."
Acceptance
"Acceptance means we are received respectfully with all our feelings, choices, and personal traits and supported through them. This makes us feel safe about knowing and giving ourselves to others. Our ability to be intimate grows in accordance with how safe we feel, and that safety is based primarily on how authentically we were accepted in early life."
"To accept their children, parents must be free of preconceived plans or agendas for them. These parental representations can begin before birth and range from “This will be a boy” to “This baby will be a spark plug in our marriage; he will make it work” or “This girl will do what I couldn’t do.” Each is a subtle rejection of our individuality, with its limitations and potential. Parents can accept us only after they succeed in dismantling their original representation of us in favor of the person we are turning out to be. This means not being disappointed with us for breaking a bargain we never made."
The psychologist Heinz Kohut wrote: “The more secure a person is regarding his own acceptability, the more certain his sense of who he is, and the more safely internalized his system of values, the more self confidently and effectively will he be able to offer his love... without undue feelings of rejection and humiliation.”
APPRECIATION
"Appreciation gives depth to acceptance: “I admire you; I delight in you; I prize you; I respect you; I acknowledge you and all your potential. I appreciate you as unique.” To acquire the riches of personal worth and self- confidence, we need just such encouragement."
"Appreciation also includes gratitude for any kindness or gift we might bestow. Appreciation as gratitude recognizes us and how we extend ourselves. Because intimacy is about giving and receiving, appreciation fosters closeness. We know something is missing in a relationship if gratitude is lacking."
AFFECTION
"To give and receive love is our primary need. We express love emotionally, spiritually, and physically. An affectionate touch or hug from someone who really loves us can penetrate our bodies and restore our souls. All our fears, no matter how deep, can be erased by a single loving stroke."
"If I first felt loved by being held when I was hurting, or by being given credit, or by being paid attention to, or by being given things, my body will remember that all my life, and when it happens again, I will feel it as love."
"Love in adulthood is a re-experiencing of the love our every cell remembers. The way we were loved in early life is the way we want to be loved all our lives. Most of us know just what it takes for us to feel loved. What we have to learn is how to ask for it. A partner is not a mind-reader, so it is up to each of us to tell our partner what our brand of love is. And if we have to teach our partner how to love us, we also have to learn how to love him. Knowing this makes it clear that love is not a sentimental feeling but a conscious choice to give and receive in unique and often challenging ways."
"If affection is only a strategy for sex, it is not intimate but manipulative. As a wise adult, I will know the difference between sex with someone who is doing it the way he does it and sex with someone who does it in a way that arises from our specific bond. Real love does not come off the rack; it is uniquely tailored by the lover to the beloved. Part of the pain of letting go of someone who really loved you is letting go of being loved in that special way.'
ALLOWING
"Some parents set rigid strictures on eating, sleeping, clothing, and grooming, all to suit their own needs or standards, rationalizing that such strictures are crucial to a child’s health. In our childhood home it may have felt unsafe to be ourselves. We may have noticed that to be real meant losing the love of those from whom we needed it most. We may then have become whatever others needed us to be as the price of being loved."
"Without healthy allowing in childhood, we may choose a controlling partner and tell ourselves, “I have to do it his way or else.” We do not notice others’ attempts to manipulate us. We can be fooled by a relationship that looks good but is full of demands and expectations."
“They shut me up in prose
As when a little girl
they put me in the closet
Because they liked me still.”
Emily Dickinson
"True allowing also means letting someone go. To allow is to stand aside when someone needs space from us or even leaves us. This is an “A” in courage."
"Together, the five A’s are the components of unconditional presence. But there are also five major mental habits that interrupt authentic, unconditional presence and may cause others to feel unloved."
"These mindsets are like bullies who enter unbidden and intrude upon our pure experience of the present and of the people we meet in the present. The spiritual practice of mindfulness is a rescue from the siege of these invaders. Here are the five fundamental mindsets of ego that interrupt our ability to be here now and that distort reality:
• Fear of or worry about situation or of this person: “I perceive a threat in you or am afraid you may not like me so I am on the defensive.” • Desire that this moment or person will meet our demands or expectations, grant us our needed emotional supplies, or fulfill our wishes: “I am trying to get something from this or you.” • Judgment can take the form of admiration, criticism, humor, moralism, positive or negative bias, censure, labeling, praise, or blame: “I am caught up in my own opinion about you or this.” • Control happens when we force our own view or plan on someone else: “I am attached to a particular outcome and am caught in the need to fix, persuade, advise, or change you.” • Illusion overrides reality and may occur as denial, projection, fantasy, hope, idealization, depreciation, or wish: “I have a mental picture of or belief about you or this and it obscures what you are really like.” (The central illusion in life is that of separateness.)
The five mindsets are not to be construed as bad. Each of these pirates is full of energy that can be recruited for the invincible ship of mindfulness. The task is not to disown the mindsets but to redirect their energies so they can serve us and others. Thus, fear can be mined for wise caution. Desire makes it possible to reach out. Judgment includes intelligent assessment. Control is necessary in most daily activities. Fantasy is the springboard to the imagination and creativity. When we find the useful kernel of these mindsets, the trespassers can become our bosom buddies
Practices: Our Skillful Means
Practice does not mean forcing yourself to improve but trusting your potential to open. All the suggestions for practices that follow have a single purpose: to provide a program of skillful means for you. To become a psychologically healthy and spiritually conscious adult alone, in one on one relationships, and in and for the world:
DAILY MEDITATION- The first practice is to meditate daily Begin with a few minutes a day and increase to about twenty as an ideal minimum. Sit in a quiet space with your eyes open or closed, your back straight, and your hands on your knees or thighs. Pay attention to your breath. When thoughts or anxieties enter your mind, simply label them as thoughts and return to awareness of your breathing. Do not attempt to stop thinking. The practice requires only that when you notice thought, you return to consciousness of your breath. When your meditation ends, try to get up slowly and see if you can maintain the same sense of awareness throughout the day. Eventually, breath becomes more real, and more interesting, than our stories.
LETTING GO OF CONTROL -Healthy control means ordering our lives in responsible ways—for example, by maintaining control of a car or our health. Neurotic control means acting on the compulsive need to make everything and everyone comply with our wishes.
OPENING UP TO FEEDBACK - When you are committed to the work of making yourself a more loving person, you no longer rely on your own brain for all your information. You are happy to learn about yourself from your partner or anyone else you trust. As a step toward achieving this willingness, ask your partner to describe something that has been upsetting her; Here is a practice that uses mindfulness for responding appreciatively and yet self-protectively when someone gives you critical feedback:
Approach any person who has an issue with you with a conscious intention to give her the five A’s: I am paying close attention to you now.
I accept you as you are in this moment.
I allow you to be yourself.
I appreciate you for what you have been and are
I have real affection for you, no matter what.
Establish eye contact while really listening mindfully, without defensiveness, anger, or plans to retaliate or prove the person wrong.
Acknowledge the impact you have had on the other and the feelings you aroused in her. Do not use denial to protect yourself. Do not minimize or discount your impact by contrasting it with your good intentions. The impact matters more than the intention.
Commit yourself to taking what the other person says as information, not as censure.
Speak up, however, if the feedback includes blame, insult, ridicule, or put-downs. You will not permit that when you are taking care of yourself.
Make amends when appropriate, design a plan to change, and ask for support.
ATTENDING TO NEEDS -In the film The Sixth Sense, the main character, a young boy, was released from his fear of the ghosts that haunted him when he finally asked them, “What do you need from me?” Focusing on other people’s needs allows us to stop fearing them.
FEELING LOVED -Begin this exercise by recalling memories of feeling loved in childhood, and notice any connections to the kinds of love you seek as an adult. Then ask your partner what feels like love to him and share what it feels like to you. You may not feel loved by someone who truly loves you because she shows it in ways you do not understand as love. This is like hearing a foreign language and presuming it is gibberish. Ask for a translation
THE TOUCH • Becoming an adult does not erase or cancel our fundamental needs. We all feel a need to be held at times, no matter what our age. This comes from an instinct for personal validation.
OFFERING SUPPORT- The Little Prince acknowledged: “It’s such a secret place the land of tears.” There is sometimes a recondite, unreachable, unnamed feeling in a person’s experience. She herself does not know what she really feels or needs in the moment. Support may consist simply in honoring that inner mystery. We may not find out how to help. Then, like Hamlet, we can only say: “Sit still my soul.”
NOTICING MINDSETS - Loving presence takes five forms: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, allowing. Mindfulness is the path to such loving presence. Mindful contact is unconditional in granting the five A’s and unconditioned by the mindsets of ego such as fear, demand, expectation, judgment, or control. Look at the chart below and journal examples of how you find yourself on both sides in your way of relating to a partner. Show your results to your partner and ask for feedback in making changes and for a compassionate response too.
If you are interested in this book, you can email me (kh.nebulishvili@gmail.com) and I'll send the PDF version of this book :)
Comments